


5 Time Brian Had To Deal With Hormonal Skaters + 1 Time He Snapped

by 3ALover



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen, M/M, Pining, Teen Angst, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 11:31:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18520609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3ALover/pseuds/3ALover
Summary: Essentially, the best summary is "RIP Brian's Hair", AKA "the cricket club kids are dramatic about hot people".





	5 Time Brian Had To Deal With Hormonal Skaters + 1 Time He Snapped

**Author's Note:**

> This is crazy crack and seriously, thanks to my editor. She edited this IN A DAY!

1\. Javier

Javier Fernandez, Brian decided early on, was a pest. 

The boy himself was great. He was young and lazy, but he was kind and he appreciated Brian’s teachings, and he genuinely wanted to make Brian proud and learn all he could from him. He was the type of skater that had suffered poor teaching, very little attention, and had lacking results for it, so he was like a kicked puppy who finally found a home that cared for him properly, and he never failed to make Brian feel like a proud dad in some ways.

But he was a pest because, though he saw him as a child, he was clearly too fucking handsome and charming for Brian’s patience. Every girl at the rink giggled and squeaked when he smiled at them, and he more than once had an entire session fall apart because Javier was skating and the girls – and a select few boys – were more interested in his ass or his focused set to his jaw than his instructions. 

“I do not remember being so boy-crazy as a girl,” Tracy said as she entered his office and sat down in front of his desk with a huff of frustration. Brian snorted. Clearly he wasn’t the only one having trouble.

“Javi?” he asked, and she groaned.

“Yes, Javi.” She shook her head. “He’s a cute kid, but is he really _that_ handsome?” she demanded.

Brian threw up a hand. “Hell if I know. I don’t remember ever being so easily distracted and I was in locker rooms where they got naked,” he stressed. 

Tracy shook her head. “I had to physically separate two teen girls today because they were up in each other’s face about which one of them he smiled at as he passed to go to the locker room,” she stressed. “They were about to start a catfight over who a handsome boy _smiled_ at!”

Brian groaned. “And he’ll only get more attention the better he gets at competitions,” he said, and Tracy groaned.

“At least as he gets older, the girls will be less likely to be hormonal sixteen year olds,” she said, and Brian snorted.

“I hope, so.”

2\. Yuzuru

Eventually, to their relief, the teen girls started to think of Javi like a cool big brother, since he was more of an adult in their eyes now. But just when Javi was less of an issue as a distraction, he became the one who was distracted. 

Brian thought nothing about Javier being an issue, because he was an adult, he was getting to the age wild crushes and sexuality issues were far less of an issue in general. And yet, within a few months of Yuzuru training and Javi being able to communicate with him better therefore training with him to help Brian out, Brian noticed something very alarming.

Javier was acting the way he did when he had a crush on a girl. He would tease Yuzuru and tickle him and goad him into play-fights the same way he did with girls. Javier was the type to pull pigtails but in a sweet, charming way, like poking a girl in the side and making her swat at him and smiling his best smile in apology to get her to swoon.

And now he was doing it with Yuzuru. 

When Tracy came to him one day and said, “We have a problem,” very seriously, Brian agreed to take Javier aside and talk to him. He sat him down in his office, and Javier seemed confused when the door was shut. 

“What’s up?” he asked, looking worried. “If it’s about being late again, that wasn’t my fault, Yuzuru asked me to bring him-“

“That’s the problem,” Brian said seriously. “It’s not about tardiness, it’s about Yuzuru.”

Javier frowned. “What? Why? He seems fine with us training together. I mean, he likes-“

“No,” Brian said firmly. “The problem is you and Yuzuru.” 

Javier blushed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Brian’s eyes softened some. “Look, I know you pretty well by now. I know what you’re like when you like a girl. I know he may not be a girl, but you’re clearly acting the exact same way.”

Javier stilled and then groaned, rubbing his face in his hands. “I knoooow,” he whined dramatically. “I’ve never been attracted to a guy in my life, I wasn’t even questioning anything, but he shows up and I just- he just-“ He shot Brian a desperate look. “What does this mean? Am I bisexual? If so, why don’t I like other guys? The guy at the coffee shop, he’s objectively handsome, but I’m not attracted to him. Why is this happening so late in life? I’m not even sure what about him draws me in, he’s just so-“

“Seventeen,” Brian interrupted, incredulous. “He’s seventeen, Javi. I’m not trying to belittle your struggles, I think I have a little idea what you’re going through mentally, but the main thing to think about is that he’s _seventeen_.”

Javier bit his lip. “I mean. He’s kind of mature for his age-“

“Do not be that pervert,” Brian chastised, glaring. “No, he’s not ‘mature for his age’, you’re just thinking with your dick, not your brain.”

Javier puffed up. “Don’t imply I just want to have sex with him, that’s entirely wrong! He’s so special. I just- I want to- to hold his hand, and- and make him smile,” he gushed, slowly deflating. “Fuck, you’re right. Goddamn it.” He groaned, rubbing at his eyes hard. “He’s a child. I shouldn’t be thinking these things, but I just haven’t ever felt this way in my whole life and I’m going crazy.”

Brian sighed, unable to help but feel sympathy. “Look, I’m sorry. It’s wrong of me to think you just want to take advantage of someone. I know you’re not like that. But regardless of how you feel, he is a seventeen year old kid who is the opposite of mature for his age. You think that because he’s focused and dedicated and has the mindset of a mature skater. But emotionally, he’s probably less mature than his age.” He scoffed. “He carries around a fucking Winnie The Pooh tissue box. I would expect that from maybe a thirteen year old girl being cutesy, not a seventeen year old boy.” 

Javier nodded, looking glum. "It wouldn’t be fair either, I guess. He trusts me. I’m kind of his only friend here.”

Brian nodded, smiling sadly. “If you really, truly care about him the way you seem to, be his friend. Let him grow up without boys involved. He’s far too young and busy for a relationship. You guys need to get along if you both plan on staying with me and I don’t want him to grow to resent you for fucking up his focus by trying to get in his pants.”

Javier rolled his eyes. “Honestly, why do you think-“

“You are a twenty year old man with an annoying amount of charm, if you weren’t thinking about sex, I would be worried about you,” he said flatly.

Javier blushed. “He is really beautiful, isn’t he?” he mumbled, looking down at his hands. 

Brian sighed. “It’s a crush because you have so much in common and are having a sexuality crisis. It’s not that serious. I promise, you will get over this crush and everything will be fine.”

“I guess so.”

~

He didn’t, in fact, get over the crush, but at least Brian prevented them from being a complete scandal and they lasted until Yuzuru was nineteen to finally snap and, according to Yuzuru, have ‘victory-slash-consolation’ sex at the Sochi Olympics. Yuzuru then informed him that Javier was his boyfriend now and they were going to have more sex all the time and Brian could just deal with it.

Yuzuru always had been more hardheaded than even Javi, Brian decided.

3\. Jun

When Brian took on Jun Hwan Cha, he was sure that for once, he wouldn’t have to worry about crazy teenagers, because he was so young. He was just a little boy. He was tiny and adorable and gave Shoma Uno a run for his money on soft, squishy cheeks. 

But then he hit a growth spurt. It happened _fast_. He went home after Junior Worlds, and two months later, he came back to Canada and he was two inches taller, a lot of his baby fat had gone, and though he still had a very youthful, boyish face, he looked more like a teen boy, not a child.

And the other juniors at the rink noticed. Oh, did they notice. Brian and Tracy thought Javier had been bad, but Jun was tall, he was cute for a teenage boy, and he was a mixture of Javier’s charm and Yuzuru’s adorableness. Every girl between the ages of twelve and eighteen were losing their minds every time they spotted a glimpse of him. You would think he was a movie star visiting the rink the way a few of them actually _squealed_ when he walked in one day and took off his sunglasses and pushed his hair back. 

However, he was still just a fifteen year old boy who grew up sheltered and a little emotionally and socially behind his peers. He hadn’t yet hit that, ‘oh shit, girls and boobs!’ stage yet. He was still more interested in video games and playing with the other boys, and because of that, Brian could tell he didn’t even realize what he did to the girls. He would walk into the rink and wave to the juniors on the ice and give them a big, charming smile and Brian could see them all fighting the urge to swoon while he just turned and continued on his way to go show Yuzuru his new headphones. 

That was almost worse, Brian discovered. Yuzuru _did_ see what those girls were up to, and he turned into a massive ‘mom friend’ and got very protective. “Brian. We need talk,” he said, hands on his hips. “Dirty little girl are so bad!” he said, going to sit in front of Brian with a glare. “One try sneak into boy locker room cause of Jun!”

Brian groaned. “Oh God. Which girl?”

“I do not know name. She small and have dark hair,” he said, looking offended. “This must stop! Jun is baby!”

Brian snorted. “Ha! He looks just as grown as you did when Javi and I got into a fight because he was being a pervert about you.”

Yuzuru frowned. “What? When this happen? I do not even like Javi until summer before Olympics,” he said, scrunching his nose.

“Yeah, Javi and I got in a fight about two months after you got here because he was smitten with you and you were a child,” Brian informed him, and Yuzuru gaped.

“Ewwww. Oh my God, I must yell at him later,” he said, scrunching his nose. “But still. Gross girl, Brian.”

Brian sighed. “I know. I thought Javi as a teenager would be the worst I had, but Jesus, either girls are more bold, or Jun is more to their taste than he was.” He shrugged. “I can’t do anything about it. I can’t kick out every girl because Jun happens to be training.”

Yuzuru huffed. “Well locker room really bad. Maybe put sign on door? No girl allowed inside?”

Brian sighed. “The ‘mens locker room’ sign does that already, it won’t deter them.” 

“I will just get same train time as Jun,” Yuzuru decided. “Keep gross girl from sneaking picture and put on internet. Not let Jun get hurt. He just small boy,” he cooed.

Brian chuckled and shook his head. “I’m just glad you’re not a girl. Your weird maternal side is bad enough I wouldn’t even be shocked if girl-Yuzuru retired just to have babies as soon as possible.”

Yuzuru scoffed. “Oh please. I will wait until at least Javi retired before we adopt babies. Maybe I still skate and Javi be ‘home dad’,” he mused. “Depend. We will see. I want four or five, though.”

Brian gaped. “I was joking!”

Yuzuru shrugged. “Babies so cuuuuute. Oh my God tiny boys like JUN!” He swooned. “I need more than four. Four boys, four girls!”

Brian snorted. “Jun brings out the lust in teen girls and the maternal instincts in you. God, it can’t possibly get any worse.”

4\. Conrad

It did, in fact, get worse. Post Olympic Season, the Cricket Club got a new skaters, senior and junior, for several of the coaches who trained there. One of them was a young man named Conrad Orzel, a juniors skater taken on by one of the other coaches.

And Brian’s new least favorite skater at the club.

In the seasons after Jun’s arrival, he did, in fact, emotionally mature enough to realize he was a teen boy and teen boys were sexual beings. And the being he wanted to be sexual with was a certain new kid around his age that had model-like features and a killer smile. Brian wanted to kill himself every time Jun came to a session that included juniors and got giggly and blushy when Conrad smiled at him.

“Jun, I swear to God,” Brian groaned, and Jun sighed dreamily.

“Look at Conrad in that training top. Wow, he’s got such amazing arms, doesn’t he?” He actually propped his chin in his hands. “Brian, how do you know you’re in love?”

“Oh boy,” Brian sighed.

“I’m serious! He’s just so cute and- and he’s so nice!” Jun lit up. “The other day the drink machine stole my money so he gave me one of his bottles of Gatorade!” 

“Wow, the peak of romance there,” Brian said flatly and Jun pouted at him. 

“You’re not taking me serious, Brian!” He clutched his hands to his chest. “He’s the most incredible person I’ve ever met and I think he likes me-“

“Because of Gatorade?”

“Because he’s always asking me to hang out and- and he likes to take selfies with me and post it on Instagram, and he tells me I’m pretty-“

Brian sat up straighter. “Wait, he tells you you’re _what_?”

“And he’s always super nice to my mom to get on her good side,” Jun continued. “Do you think he’s gonna ask me out? Oh my God, what do I do if he asks me out?” Jun wailed in despair. “Brian, what do you do if a boy asks you out?!?!”

Brian stood up. “Nope. I’m out. You go talk to Tracy about this. I’m soooo not equipped for this.”

“But you’re gay, you should be better prepared than anybody!” Jun called after him as he walked away. “Brian, come on!”

“Nope!” he shouted back.

~

Brian didn’t approve of Jun getting distracted for his first full senior season. Conrad’s coach didn’t seem to approve of their flirting, either. Because of that, it was like a fucking period drama of sighs of woe and stolen glances at the rink. Tracy was annoyed as hell because they had stroking class together and they spent the whole time making sad eyes at each other until they took a water break, and then they instantly sat beside each other and leaned close, whispering and smiling and holding hands. 

“If I didn’t know Jun’s mom better, I would think they were sneaking around and dating,” Brian mused.

Tracy scoffed. “Nah, if they were, they would pretend not to interact at all, not use my class as their excuse to hold hands like they’re seven, not seventeen.”

Brian snorted. “True.”

Yuzuru was the one who listened to Jun whining during class about how his mom didn’t even like him Skyping with Conrad because it was making him slack on his homework, patting his back sympathetically. “It like Romeo and Juliet. Nobody let you be young and in love,” he said dramatically, sighing. “Poor Jun and Conrad.”

Jun suddenly looked up, eyes wide. “Oh my God, I can skate to Romeo and Juliet this season and show my mom how serious it is!”

Yuzuru beamed. “It good luck for me. You try!”

And that was how Brian ended up with not one, but two renditions of Romeo and Juliet free-skates on the playlist for everybody’s run-throughs at the stereo. Tracy watched Jun skating his run-through with Brian and Yuzuru, who stopped to see how it went, and from the far end of the ice a very familiar voice yelled, “JUNLIET!” instead of Juliet, and Jun giggled and blushed as he continued skating.

Tracy sighed, looking at Brian. “Who gave them this idea?” she demanded.

“Me!” Yuzuru said brightly. “I say they are like Romeo and Juliet, nobody let they love bloom, and Jun get idea,” he said. He sighed, hands on his chest. “It so romantic! Matching programs!”

Tracy blinked at him. “Yuzuru, did you ever bother learning what happens at the end of that story?”

He shook his head with a shrug. “Did not care to. It so romantic, it must be good end.”

Brian grimaced. “Yeah, they both die,” he said and Yuzuru looked horrified.

“What?!”

“Yup, suicide,” Tracy explained. “She fakes her death, he thinks she is really dead, he kills himself, she wakes up to find he’s killed himself, so she kills herself.”

Yuzuru opened and closed his mouth and then let out a strangled sound. “That so stupid! Oh my God, why I tell Jun skate this music?!?!” he asked, looking horrified at himself. “Oh my God, what if Jun DIE?!”

Brian groaned. “Jun won’t _die_ because he’s skating to Romeo and Juliet. You did it twice and you’re still alive.”

“Oh my God, I have to tell Javi!” Yuzuru said, skating off to get his phone and call up his boyfriend. 

 

5\. Evgenia

It was entirely understandable why Evgenia was so willing to show off her body these days. Brian had seen her go from a frail, malnourished skater so damaged by bad advice but so willing to keep fighting. With the right help, she had learned to treat her body well, and the result was that in less than a year, she developed a strong body with great muscle tone. She was a young woman who had found her confidence in her newly strong body and wanted to show it off and celebrate all the hard work she went through, mentally and physically, to achieve the kind of body a skater could flourish with. 

The problem was, she had zero time or attention to pay to the multitude of teen boys who nearly crashed into each other on the ice every time she took off her jacket and skated around in skin tight training gear that showed off her arms and midriff. It was almost hilarious, actually, how every male skater from puberty upwards seemed utterly incapable of skating even half-way decent when she was out there, exhibiting grace and poise and showing off her confidence in her body. 

“Should we be worried?” Javi asked, glaring hard at one kid who was probably sixteen or so as his eyes followed her ass as she skated.

Brian chuckled. “She’s an adult, she’s proud of how far she’s come, it’s not her problem we’ve got a ton of teenage boys who can’t keep their focus on skating.

“Not just boys,” Tracy said pointedly. “I’ve got a fifteen year old ice dancer that is in the same stroking session and she keeps running into people and things because she’s got her eyes glued to Evgenia’s boobs.”

Brian cackled and Javier looked doubtful. “I just don’t want it to distract her. She’s got a big season ahead.”

“Ha, that’s rich, coming from you,” Brian said, giving him a pointed look. “Mr. ‘I know he’s underage but’ over here.”

Tracy snickered. “You were so distracted that season. God, it was like herding cats to get you to focus.”

“At least most of ours seem to be gay boys and straight girls,” Brian joked and Tracy laughed. 

Javier thought through the list and was amused. He and Yuzuru had been in a relationship for five years now, Jun had finally convinced his mom to let him date if it didn’t interrupt his skating or studies, Gabby was straight, Jason was gay, and Joseph-

“Ahhhhhh!” Joseph crashed into the pole beside Tracy and fell flat onto his back, moaning in pain.

Joseph was definitely at least bisexual, because that was the third time during this ice session that Javier had seen him crash into things because of Evgenia. “Joseph, if you give yourself brain damage, I will quit as your coach,” Brian threatened with a chuckle.

Joseph sat up, rubbing his forehead. “Blame puberty.”

“You’re eighteen, that’s not an excuse,” Brian said. “Just focus on your skating instead of a pretty girl.”

Joseph whined. “But skating is hard, pretty girls make me-“

“If you finish that obscene sentence, young man, you will be cleaning the locker room instead of the janitors tonight,” Tracy warned and he zipped his mouth shut comically and skated off again.

Javi snickered. “Was I this bad with Yuzu?” he asked, and Brian and Tracy both gave him incredulous glares. 

+1. Jason

Since Jason had such success with a more sensual program the season before, he decided to go for it again, another more sexy short. The problem, Brian discovered, was that quite literally, there wasn’t a single person – not just hormonal teenagers – that seemed immune to it.

When Jason got his new costume and unveiled it at the club to show off by doing a run through in his costume, rather than cheer or tease him or anything, the whole rink just stopped working. Everybody past puberty stopped and stared. 

Yuzuru looked like he was about to get a nosebleed, Javier looked guilty for looking while his boyfriend was beside him, Evgenia and Jun looked like they were going to puke from looking at someone they treated like a big brother that way, Joseph looked VERY confused, and Conrad was actually covering his eyes and mouthing something. 

The rink staff had all stopped their jobs, some of the younger kids _parents_ were staring, and even _Mrs. Hanyu_ was staring with wide eyes, seeming very confused, and he was young enough to be her _child_.

Brian and Tracy seemed to be the only ones unaffected by the sex appeal being exuded in a skin-tight outfit and that signature Jason Brown Performance Ability. 

When he finally hit his ending pose and absolutely nobody reacted, he frowned, suddenly looking insecure. “What’s wrong? Is it bad?” he asked, and there was still silence. Brian and Tracy looked around to see who would respond, and nobody did. Brian sighed. “No, it was-“

“So hot I think it turned me gay,” Joseph blurted out, then slapped a hand over his mouth.

Brian decided then and there, that was it. “Okay. That’s it. I quite!” He threw his hands up, tossing his clipboard. “I quit as a coach. I quit teaching. This is it. I’m done with all these crazy, hormonal teenagers, I’m done with all the drama, I’m out! I’m retiring! Goodbye, I am never coming back!” he called on his way out. “Good luck everybody, but I’m gone.” He opened the doors and threw up a hand. “GOODBYE!”

Tracy stared after him and sighed. “I did wonder when he would have a mental breakdown. It’s been coming for years.”


End file.
